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HALF CENTURY IN AMERICA

I have been choosing harder ways all my life…

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    • 'It's me!' – Self-publishing 1988
      • – About Me
      • 1. Poems Written in Japan 1963-1965
      • 2. Poems Written as a Fresh off the Boat 1966-1970
      • 3. Poems presented to Dr. Schneider 1970-1979
      • 4. Poems Written during a Transitional Stage and after my "Schneider" Stage 1975-1987
      • 5. TANKA (Poems in 31 Japanese syllables) 1965-1987
      • 6. Words for Songs 1966-1968

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ballet

Letter to Mr. Boris Eifman – June 12, 2015

June 12, 2015

Dear Mr. Boris Eifman,

I am an enthusiastic admirer of you and your ballet company.

Ever since I saw your performance, I always buy tickets to see 3 consecutive performances, overnighting at the hotel for several years. This time I have seen 2 versions, “Up and Down,” and “Rodan”, 3 performances, at the Music Center. You have an unshakable principle, pursuing the true human natures. Basing on what you believe and what you feel, you create choreography. Your dancers share your belief and values and submit themselves to your passion, choreography. In the most respecting sense, TO ME, you and your ballet company are like the integrated religious group’s paradigm, “Knowing what is important, believing it, and doing it.” I like Anna Karenina. The climax, the suicide of Anna jumping onto the train, is orchestrated by the dancing of the male corps de ballet symbolizing the dashing train. Impressive creativity. Maria Abashova was extremely beautiful in every aspect.

I like Onegin. Onegin, showing his back to the audience, extending his right hand from the back of Lensky, and pulls the hand of Olga, who was embraced by Lensky, into his embrace. 

That choreography showed the sly personality of Onegin far more effectively visible than that of Clanko, mere repetition of snatching Olga for dancing. 

I like Hamlet. Maria Abashova was so powerfully beautiful as the empress. Clothes were used as a prop so effectively. I feel Maria Abashova is the most excellent dancer. Last year, she did not come. I was so disappointed. I could see her in both performances this time, and I hope to see her in “Rodan.” Other dancers are competitively excellent in their way.

Oleg Gabyshev completely pulls me into his acting, real. 

Lyubov Andreyeva is a competitively great actress dancer. Oleg Markov takes the role of shade-side to give an excellent contract to light-side counterpart, as always I have seen him. All dancers have souls which are visible.              

Would you please let us buy a DVD of some of your repertories, if not all, in the USA at a reasonable price? I purchased “Anna Karenina” on the internet paying $80.00. It was sent from Russia. 

If the price is more comparable to other ballet DVDs, more people can afford them. I believe that your DVDs are indispensable to enlighten people to be aware that “It is important to express feelings and emotions to be the real person, whole person.”  

I wish you would consider the following as your future challenge choreographies:

“Samson & Delila” with Maria Abashova 

I imagine how you would evolve eroticism into sensual sublimation.

“Emancipation”

PLOT: 
The process of a gay male dancer (or any artist, musician, actor) to be an open gay. The dancer, who has excellent techniques but cannot express emotion, feeling, is not a good actor, gradually breaks through the shell and gets the courage to be an open gay. He finally can greet the audience with his lover, partner, hand in hand.  

The ballet mistress, who was initially in love with this young man while being his mentor keeps her love in different stages. The process of her psychological development; Initially, sweet affection as a mentor tangle with her feeling of loving him as a man, disappointment to find him as gay, yet she disciplines herself not to perceive him by projecting “stereotype of homosexual negative image.” But instead, she learns to perceive and accept him as “a person,” encourage him to accept him as he is, and develop his courage to be an open gay. She suffers through a feeling of loss, her beloved while feeling happy for him of his emancipation. PLOT can be for transgender, too.

“One Thousand and one night tales”

PLOT: Original “the Thousand and one Nights” is for children. This one is for adults. The man who has some sexual problem (such as premature ejaculation, erection problem, whatever) has to change his wife (girlfriend) frequently. The woman who loves him sucks him into her imagination of love-making one night after another. One night she fantasizes that she is a flower, peony, which layers of pedals tightly cover its pistil. It is her love to let him unlay the pedals by one stroke by another to reach its pistil, which is the symbol of her chastity, bashfulness. 

Another night, she fantasizes that she is a girl on the farm. She was working in the barn, where she ended up being raped by the worker. Another night, she is a sex slave. For survival, she has to submit herself to the captor. 

So on & so on. Being captivated by the expression on her face, wanting to pursue what is in her feeling, her mind, he will be drowned into her body, forgetting about his problem. Finally, he establishes his mentality to engage in sex activities communicating with her feelings instead of worrying about his potent. 

This is the challenge to the prevailing contemporary tendency to rely on external stimulus, pills, and other stimulants to pursue satisfaction in sex. 

Lastly, please let the world know your annual (or in advance) schedule of all performances. We can plan to visit and see your performances around the world. Please set up your website where we can contact you and your company representative.

Thank you for coming to Los Angeles. Wish you good health!

Toshiko Honda

Inherit the legacy of Alessandra Ferri, Ballerina Actress

Since Ms. Ferri retired from ABT, it has been seven years. Fortunately, she came back recently to dance on stage sporadically. We have so many technically superb dancers in the world. Some of them are also good at acting. But in most cases, between good technique and/or acting, they show a gap to let the audience notice that they are doing their job, or they are out of acting momentarily. Ms. Ferri never lets the audience feel that she is doing her job. Some dancers say that they become selfless to become Juliet, a very dramatic protagonist. It is understandable what they are saying, to transcend from daily self to enact Juliet. 
While Ms. Ferri says, “What you are seeing is not a fictitious person, you are seeing me as Juliet.” “An artist is to have a courage of being yourself.” Her statement seems to contradict with that of other dancers. Why so? Simply because her personality structure is fundamentally different from that of ordinary people. Learning how to b a dramatic dancer is not as easy as learning some techniques or steps because you have to internalize the clusters of fundamental values which compose her personality. 
The common factor in her fundamental values is REAL, TRUE.

Following is the excerpt of my letter to Ms. Alessandra Ferri dated 12/15/13 before going to New York to see her performance, “Cheri”:

I am so happy to learn that you have been and are active in your artistic activities. I have searched your name at Google a few times to see if you are dancing somewhere in the world. I missed your performance of being real yourself, not “doing job.” In this busiest season, I tried hard to get a flight ticket, hotel, and I will go to NY to see your performance again on the 29th, matinee, 2:00 p.m.

Who am I?
I am 74 years old retiree who enjoys ballet class 5 days a week. 
I have a very modest scholarship foundation for boys for ballet class since 2007.  
I noticed that some boys have excellent technique and physical attribution yet lack self-expression, feeling, due to self-consciousness, inhibition of emotion. It may be nature and or a combination of upbringing. 
If possible, I would like to offer some help to them. I have been subscribing to Japanese Dance Magazine for some time. I read an article that Roberto Bolle was very thankful to you for helping him develop, get in touch with feelings and express feelings. I wonder how you could develop real-self in yourself. You boast that “What you are seeing is not fictitious Juliet. It’s me, real me is there.” Indeed, you are enacting Juliet real. I would not expect that you do that only on stage. I understand that you have a cluster of values to respect truth, real feelings and act out your values. You regulate yourself to be approved by you, not to be approved by others. 
That‘s the core of your confidence to be able to open up yourself. I want to ask you how you got those values, theories, or convictions. At least, who you think has given you influence. If I could interview you, I would be delighted. 
If not, maybe you would create your website and share your cherished values with your admirers.

After the show, I joined the bunch of fans in the corridor to wait for Ms. Ferri and Mr. Cornejo to come out from the back door. When they stepped out from the door, she recognized me and said with a lively smile and beaming eyes, “Thank you for everything. I got your letter and flower.” I was rewarded by seeing such a heartfelt expression. I asked, “Maybe can I ask a few questions now at the lobby?” “I have to go,” she said. “Maybe by e-mail?”
“What exactly you want to know?”, she said casting her eyes 45 degrees downward with the straight voice of psychotherapy concentration. 
“Who taught you to be true?” I heard my voice saying right into her left temple. She smiled through her nose and said, “Nobody.”
After a second pause, she said, “By myself.” I cast down my eyes at 45 degrees and said, “OK”. In the next moment, she sprang out to the other side of the hallway to join the crowd of fans. I was overwhelmed with my realization, “She is a genius. 
Genius can learn by themselves. In my case, I had a mentor. But genius does not need a mentor.”, and I just walked away. 
I did not feel like joining the crowd nor even saying “Thank you” to her. 

I have accumulated materials about her talking in a video and article clips from newspapers and magazines. I want to analyze and portray her personality quoting her sayings:

In the 1998 video, “American Ballet Theatre,” she talks about putting both of her feet on the dressing table, and she talks without smiling, with a thoughtful face, letting the camera shoot her diagonally from her back. Also, she appears in front of the camera without makeup, with no smile, natural expression. Other dancers appear with stage makeup, being shot from the best angle, smiling, and speaking nicely to show the best possible image. She is showing her natural self as she talks:
“I don’t know what makes an artist different from a technician. I think it’s the courage of being yourself. You need courage to do that in life. And it happens the same on stage. I was born in Italy, in Milan. I started dancing really early. I think I was about four. And I had this passion for music, and I used to want to become that music. 
And the only way I knew was by dancing.”

The starting point for Ms. Ferri to be a real person was TO BECOME MUSIC by dancing at the age of 4 years old. We can imagine that an innocent little girl dancing wholeheartedly, melting into the music, feeling the music, expanding her imagination. She started spontaneous movements, improvised dancing from the beginning. When she got older, like everybody else, she faced reality, which imposed on her conformity, to meet with the expectation of others, social acceptance. She must have sensed that that would cloud her personality’s transparency and her free spirit in her dancing (to become music, in her term). To be “being herself” (in her term), she must acknowledge and experience her feelings, good or bad, to keep her personality transparent, like a child. 
To be able to express herself, what she thinks important, as she put it, she has the courage of BEING YOURSELF, (not to pretend as GOOD to be acceptable to others), and meantime she learn or disciplines herself to correct the side of her which is not acceptable so that she can let it out. So she is almost always comfortable to open up and/or express her real self. She regulates her values and behaviors to be acceptable to herself primarily. The common factor in her value system is honest to herself, truth, real and transparency. Being this way, she gets real confidence and can expand her dancing and acting so dramatically, as we witness.  

 Following are other excerpts from the same 1998 video:

“A partner is extremely important. And one of the greatest qualities for me in a partner is humanity. I mean they have to be a person before a dancer. I have to see the person in front of me. I have to pair somebody that is able to look at me in the eyes and really look and really see what’s going on inside of me. And I have to see what’s going on inside of him.”
“Something is linking me and Julio. It’s hard to tell what it is.”
“It’s like when you find the love of your life, you can’t, you don’t know why exactly. And it’s the same with Julio. I mean we are extremely free on that stage. I trust him completely. He trusts me. We hardly speak ever in rehearsal. We hardly rehearse. We don’t talk about things. It just all comes out. The preparation that’s involved in dancing a dramatic role is know and learn and read the book and then forgetting about it. Then learning the steps, and then forgetting about them. And then finding everything you know of that person in you. So, really when I am playing Juliette, I am playing me as Juliette. I’m not trying to find a Juliette that’s not existing. But my feelings come out. And my emotions, my way of being loved, and my way of hating—my whole life experience.”

She gave those statements with heartfelt transparent expressions, no smile. 
The statements themselves speak out her conscientious personality. She values the quality of personality before a dancer. She does complete preparation for the role. The role is assimilated into her system. No wonder why she can say, I am playing me as Juliette. 
These are the statements being honest with herself. There is no fear or reservation for being misunderstood or being taken out of context. 
She is taking a risk for being honest with herself. But in the meantime, she GETS WHAT SHE WANTS, has stronger confidence, and to be able to perform so dramatically on stage.

I don’t remember where and when I read it. But she mentioned that she eats a light breakfast and lunch, yogurt and fruit, because of grueling hard works. But she said, “I am an Italian. I eat normal dinner.” She likes the Italian style of enjoying the meal as the important element of being human, instead of restricting diet by specific calculations.

Another excerpt which details her work ethics from New York Times article on June 17, 2007:

“When I do a role for the first time, I live it a lot at home for months before. It never abandons me-choreography, the feeling of the time period, the costumes. 
I get really absorbed in it,” Ferri said. “Then, with the years, I don’t have to do that kind of preparation again – it all comes out naturally. It’s been interesting, looking back and looking at myself through my roles and seeing how I’ve matured as a woman. The nice thing now is that I am so free in them that I can actually improvise the role every night, and I improvise in many different ways. That is something that you only achieve through years of dancing something and through experience.”

Excerpt from Dance Magazine (Japanese), April 2014, Interview on her as a Juror for Prix de Lausanne: (I reversed to English what was translated into Japanese.)
“What is your advice for the younger dancers?”
“Each dancer has own uniqueness. Everyone has own experience, and own soul. There is no advice which can help everyone. What I want young dancers to remember is that each one’s career is unique. Dancers tend to compare them with others. But each one has different talent. When I look back myself, I never be the dancer who exel in technique. But that short-come opened the new path. I may not good at ‘Don Quixote’ but ‘Giselle’.”

Her advice is not only for the younger dancers but for all human beings, old or young. She advises that one has to know oneself well first to find a way to develop oneself.

In the 1998 video, she inferred that technician is not an artist by saying, “I don’t know what makes an artist different from technician.” In 2014, after 16 years, she implied that a technician is also an artist by saying, “…each one’s career is unique,…each one has different talent.” We can interpret this change in her statement as her maturity.
The consistent factor in both seemingly contradictory statements is that she is truly saying what she knows, believes as true at the time. Not to please others, but to be honest to herself at the time.

We cannot learn to become geniuses. But we can learn from WHAT a genius says and practices.

  1. “To become music by dancing”

This is the state of mind totally involving dancing interpreting music. Closest practice is to attempt improvising dancing with given music and/or favorite music. This practice will enhance spontaneity and musicality to enhance the expression of feelings, imagination.

  1. “The courage of being yourself”

“You need courage to do that in life.”
“And it happens the same on stage.”
We tend to give our image to be likable to others, saying nice things and smiling, avoiding offensive words and negative feelings such as anger, while we are feeling differently. We are afraid to be disliked by others because we get backlash. This is why you need the courage to be “being yourself.” To be able to afford being yourself, first, you have to regulate yourself to be approved by yourself rather than to be approved by others. It is much difficult to be approved by yourself because you cannot lie or hide from yourself. To be approved by others, you can hide your true feelings or just superficially be nice. 

If you have regulated your values and behaviors to be approved by yourself, you will find it easier to be “being yourself” – there is not much to hide, especially if you hold the value, “hypocrisy is bad.“ You end up being a really good person instead of being a superficially good person. Because any one of us to live in society must get along well with others whether you be superficially nice or truly nice. The state of mind becomes transparent more being true, if not completely. This is a pre-required state of mind to unfold dramatic dancing, true acting to become the protagonist. An analogy is that we can see scenery clearly in the clear air. We can see the genuine color on the white paper. As Ms. Ferri says, “We need courage to do that (to be yourself) in life. And it happens the same on stage.” the daily life discipline to be your real self, being yourself, is the pre-requisite becoming spontaneous dramatic dancers.

  1. Internalize the role by extensive efforts, wholeheartedly:

“When I do a role for the first time, I live it a lot at home for months before. It never abandons me-choreography, the feeling of the time period, the costumes. I get really absorbed in it,”
Not only learn the role mentally, memorizing steps but also absorb the role wholeheartedly at a feeling level. This will give her the ease to act out herself as a given protagonist. 
Again giving the heart to learn the role is another factor to reach dramatic dancing.
“Conscientiousness,” a word we hardly hear anymore. But her personality can be described by this one word. 

  1. Simply her inner world, personality is coming out on stage naturally. We can learn to be conscientious, each in our way. After all, beautiful qualities in personality are the ultimate factors to blossom virtuoso.
          2015

That Moment is Mine Forever

While taking ballet class, 
casually I look up at the glass panels of the observation room
where once you waved me your hand timely when I looked up
I always recall that moment of joy
I took the next class, too, to be with you

While taking ballet class,
By chance, I glance at the glass panels of the observation room
I find myself imagining your silhouette,
recalling the moment of joy at that time

While taking ballet class,
Occasionally I look up the glass panels of the observation room
I know I will never see you there anymore
But that precious moment is mine forever
           for James          9/6/2014

Mr. Double-edged Sword

With the sharpness of the razor-blade,
you have carved the beauty of your dancing
With the same sharpness
You abandoned your dancing
     which was slightly eclipsed by injury

With the same sharpness,
The double-edged sword thrust my heart
through the mist of blood splash,
I vision the image of your dancing

Shall I plug the wound to stop bleeding?

No.  Let it flow! 
It will transform to be a Libido-flow       


The wound gets soar, smarted by beautiful music.
Shall I pacify the wound?

No. Let it suffer!  It will magnify the energy-flow
          for James          3/18/2013 

Adoration

Fragrance, I see in your dance
Singing, I hear in your movements

Beautiful line!
     I proved where they are from--------
I see a Straight axis thrust right through from your head to your toes
From where your being streams out to radiate your dancing
smoothly without bumping into any lumps

Refined pureness!     
     Not restraining of not to do this and that
Rather elimination of redundancy in your physique, movements, and inner voices
to reach almost transparent your being
where emerge is the art, virtuoso,  that’s what people call

I call it fragrance in your dance
               Singing in your movements
          for James          7/13/2012

I am a dancer

I am a prince; the audience is my fellow people
                           craving for a glance of me
My mere appearance on a stage
                         is an incredible generosity of mine
My people are so grateful for my generosity
If I smile, they get ecstatic
Every move, every expression of mine 
                 are extra generosity of mine
            to share the joy of dancing with You, my people

 “I am the Best.  
   I am the Best in the whole world
      at least
Right This Moment
Right Here”
          Dedicated to male dancers: Hope you would feel this way.           2004

Watching You Dancing

Beauty belongs to those who love it,
    independent from its owner.
Shall I be allowed to admire the beauty in your movements?


Visible beauty can be mere skin deep.
Visible beauty can be a manifestation of invisible quality,
                             
such as personality.
Shall I be allowed to perceive the latter in your movements?


What is Art in Dancing? 
Elimination of redundancy?
Expression of genuine self?
Explosion of youth energy?
Shall I be allowed to feel Art in your movements?
           for Rowdy, 7/21/2004 

DANCE & Music

Art is a sublimation of Sexual Drive,
                                             they said.
                          If so,
Dancing is a love affair with music,
                                                    I say.
           If music is not good,
my whole self would close as tight as shellfish does.
           If music is good,
my whole self would submit to it defenselessly
           as to the arms of a beloved.

The music would come into my gut directly,
from where it will radiate to whole parts of my body
coloring my transparent self with its command
lighting up my emotion as it dictates
moving my body as it will

Music becomes myself.
I myself become music.

Oops!
So long as I know steps well.
          June of 2004

EXALTATION

Oh! I have been so grateful just to participate in Ballet class with young folks
While concerning not to spoil the class with my incompetence

Oh! I have been grateful if I could just keep up to stay a whole class
While concerning not to jeopatize my health 

Oh! No.
I should not deserve such a luxury to compete for physical beauty 
with the girls who are as young as could be my daughters.

Oh! No.
I should not deserve such a luxury to have a thrill of competition with young girls
for an attention of a young man who could be my son.

Oh! No.
I should not deserve for such a luxury, because I’m just….

Or, Yes.
          5/1/2003

Dance Class

Art is a sublimation of Sexual Drive, they say
If so,
Our Dance class is a Collective love-affair of our Narcissism
Directed by our teacher
enhanced by Music

Like a good love-making
Concentration is the key to get it
The incessant flow of libido
We’re sure to reach orgasm!

Oh no, no disturbing concentration
Oh no, no lecture to cool off feeling level
Oh no, no chattering to detract from libido

Just like a good love-making
Within the flow of libido
subtle hint, subtle touch, brief command
that’s all it takes to get there

The beauty of others is just as important as our own
Observing others’ beauty, we can improve ourselves
One thing is sure
“I am getting more beautiful now than not coming here today.”

When we all follow our Reverend,
we are worshipping our Narcissism collectively
breathing the aura of our libido flow 
          12/20/1997
© 1963-2025 Toshiko Honda